stress, loss, moving on

it has been along time since i've posted here.  i kept waiting on my partner in crime to pop up.  she has not.  somehow, along the way, she has left me.  i have no idea why.  un-friended.  no responses.  no knowledge of what i've done or not done; of what i said or didn't say.  no idea.  and that's what happens sometimes.  in the shuffle of online friendships, you get dumped.  you get lost.  it is not the first time.  it won't be the last.  but with this one i became very sad, more cautious, a bit withdrawn.  i care deeply about what happens to her.  i still do.  i wish her the very best.   i hope her health is good.  i hope her soul is soaring.

somewhere out there i hope she's standing in the sunlight and feeling it's warmth on her face.  eyes closed.  arms reaching out.  i hope she's healthy and smiling.

i've been doing well with diabetes.  i've lost 40 pounds now.  i'm almost skinny. almost.  my last checkup showed that my blood pressure is under control and the blood test did not show that i even have diabetes.  so i keep up what i'm doing.  eating okay though not enough.  but that is a money issue.  when i can buy food it is the right kind.

i do still get pneumonia a lot.  had the shot.  respiratory seems to be the thing that gets to me.  i fear i will drown from inside myself.  i do everything i can do prevent it from happening.  pneumonia shot.  check.  humidifier every night.  check.  hot tea.  check.  vick's vapor rub on the chest.  check.  child sneezes or coughs in my face.  i get it.

there is stress in living.  everyone has it.  when you have a condition like diabetes, stress plays a roll.  i try to remember to breathe.  in.  out.  slow it down.  deep breath in.  deep breath out.  slow the heart.  calm down.  this too shall pass and all that.  nothing lasts forever.  it's a molehill not a mountain. 

easier said than.....

but i am still out here.  alone now it seems.  i still do what i am supposed to do to handle my diabetes and blood pressure.  my two children love me and want me to be well.  that's enough for me.  i do sort of have a friend now.  it's a work in progress.  i am cautious.  i don't make rash statements like: she's my friend.  i've had too many turn their backs.  something about me that makes me easy to leave.  so i talk less.  listen always.  respond when it's expected  seems to work.  i keep it light.  never mention my husband's death.  i'm funny.  and quiet.  did i mention i keep the spotlight on others always?  seems to work better than to try and share anything about my own life.  i find most people like you better when you let them talk about themselves.  i nod.  i'm a bobblehead.  attentive.  it's one-sided, most definitely.  but i'm apparently not good enough, or exciting enough for much else.  we'll see how it goes.

anyway, that's it on this front.  i may not come back here anymore.  it seems pointless without her.  we were doing this for each other.  support through the hard times.  doctor visits.  blood tests.  but i've done my grief alone.  i can do this alone.  bottom line, we can only do it for ourselves anyway.    we have to care about ourselves enough to matter to ourselves, plus see what our actions do to the few people who do love us.

i'm doing it for me.  for my children.  for my two furry doggy companions.

i miss you, friend.  i will think of you as such.  friend.  it became such that first Christmas Eve 4 years ago when we felt so alone without them.  opposite sides of the planet and yet in touch.  being there for each other.  i hope you are doing well.  sayonara.  since it must be so.