Sunday, September 8, 2013

stress, loss, moving on

it has been along time since i've posted here.  i kept waiting on my partner in crime to pop up.  she has not.  somehow, along the way, she has left me.  i have no idea why.  un-friended.  no responses.  no knowledge of what i've done or not done; of what i said or didn't say.  no idea.  and that's what happens sometimes.  in the shuffle of online friendships, you get dumped.  you get lost.  it is not the first time.  it won't be the last.  but with this one i became very sad, more cautious, a bit withdrawn.  i care deeply about what happens to her.  i still do.  i wish her the very best.   i hope her health is good.  i hope her soul is soaring.

somewhere out there i hope she's standing in the sunlight and feeling it's warmth on her face.  eyes closed.  arms reaching out.  i hope she's healthy and smiling.

i've been doing well with diabetes.  i've lost 40 pounds now.  i'm almost skinny. almost.  my last checkup showed that my blood pressure is under control and the blood test did not show that i even have diabetes.  so i keep up what i'm doing.  eating okay though not enough.  but that is a money issue.  when i can buy food it is the right kind.

i do still get pneumonia a lot.  had the shot.  respiratory seems to be the thing that gets to me.  i fear i will drown from inside myself.  i do everything i can do prevent it from happening.  pneumonia shot.  check.  humidifier every night.  check.  hot tea.  check.  vick's vapor rub on the chest.  check.  child sneezes or coughs in my face.  i get it.

there is stress in living.  everyone has it.  when you have a condition like diabetes, stress plays a roll.  i try to remember to breathe.  in.  out.  slow it down.  deep breath in.  deep breath out.  slow the heart.  calm down.  this too shall pass and all that.  nothing lasts forever.  it's a molehill not a mountain. 

easier said than.....

but i am still out here.  alone now it seems.  i still do what i am supposed to do to handle my diabetes and blood pressure.  my two children love me and want me to be well.  that's enough for me.  i do sort of have a friend now.  it's a work in progress.  i am cautious.  i don't make rash statements like: she's my friend.  i've had too many turn their backs.  something about me that makes me easy to leave.  so i talk less.  listen always.  respond when it's expected  seems to work.  i keep it light.  never mention my husband's death.  i'm funny.  and quiet.  did i mention i keep the spotlight on others always?  seems to work better than to try and share anything about my own life.  i find most people like you better when you let them talk about themselves.  i nod.  i'm a bobblehead.  attentive.  it's one-sided, most definitely.  but i'm apparently not good enough, or exciting enough for much else.  we'll see how it goes.

anyway, that's it on this front.  i may not come back here anymore.  it seems pointless without her.  we were doing this for each other.  support through the hard times.  doctor visits.  blood tests.  but i've done my grief alone.  i can do this alone.  bottom line, we can only do it for ourselves anyway.    we have to care about ourselves enough to matter to ourselves, plus see what our actions do to the few people who do love us.

i'm doing it for me.  for my children.  for my two furry doggy companions.

i miss you, friend.  i will think of you as such.  friend.  it became such that first Christmas Eve 4 years ago when we felt so alone without them.  opposite sides of the planet and yet in touch.  being there for each other.  i hope you are doing well.  sayonara.  since it must be so.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

diabetes and being sick

i have pneumonia again.  so very ill and yet i cannot take a day off from work.  i work hourly so if i take a day off, i do not get paid.  there has been so much stress at work and it has taken its toll on me physically.  even now, i do not know why i am sitting here typing this when i should be getting ready for work.  a cold heavy soaking rain is falling outside and my chest feels like a brick is strapped to it. 

rain outside.  rain inside.  when i try to breathe i feel like i'm drowning.

and i am not hungry but with diabetes, i need to eat to keep my levels in a certain area.

i wish i had a friend, but mostly i wish i had him here to help me while i am this sick.  the fever is draining.  hot tea and toast do not a meal make to head off into the rain for a very busy and stressful day at work.

just saying.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

finally a meter

i finally have health insurance.  i finally have what i need.  i finally have a meter to test my blood sugar.

i've lost close to 30 pounds.  my blood pressure is good.  but i never knew from day to day how i was doing.  now i know.

i hour after eating i had my first reading at the pharmacy.  143.  he said that was wonderful.  2 hours after eating they want me to be below 180.

this morning, before breakfast, i took a reading.  111.  they want me to be below 130.

i'm doing it.  i think i might be doing okay.  but it takes a meter to be sure.

and now i finally have one.  a year into this hot mess, i finally can test.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

A fresh start

Finally, I've decided that I will get a grip with this disease.

I've done all the research ... educated myself.

Now it's time to "walk the talk".

I popped in to see my lovely diabetes nurse, Alison ... and we've made an appointment for August 1st to test for:

blood pressure
cervical smear
foot exam
blood test
urine test

I think that was it ... I am aware that I also need a mammogram and an eye test ... so I'll ask her about those while I'm there.

I've not cared for too long.  Because I was depressed and had no motivation.

That's all well and good ... and understandable, however ... I'm emigrating to Spain this year, and need to get this under control, so that I feel happier and healthier.

Alison has intimated that they will give me enough meds for 3 - 6 months to tide me over while I'm settling in to life in Almeria.  A great help!

and, I've got my DASH Diet Shopping Lists etc photocopied, ready to take with me, which will help me remember what's good to eat, until it becomes second nature.

Now then, where IS my blood glucose monitor?  I've located everything but ... and it's key to my success ...