struggling

since learning i have diabetes and high blood pressure, it has been a roller coaster ride of accepting this and doing okay, then tripping over the speed bumps along the way.

i have no health insurance. i started a job back in November of 2010 but i have since learned that i have to work there a year to get on their insurance plan. the next open enrollment will be in April of 2012. i cried when i learned this. i shook in fear. there is a diabetes class that i need to take but it is supposed to be fairly expensive. i am calling the doctor's office today to see just exactly how much.

right now i am making monthly payments on my first doctor's bill. first time patient with a lab fee and it cost me over $400. that is not a typo. in the United States, medical bills are astronomical. i would like to see a break down of what all that money actually goes towards. centrifuge time? lighting the office? receptionists salary? my percentage of the doctor's salary for those moments i took up his time? i would like to know.

i am struggling with this. i am a picky eater. i do not like certain vegetables. i have a history with food that is not pleasant that stems from my childhood. Boo sent me a book about the DASH diet and i am trying. but it is difficult. there are so many foods that people say are such good foods that i do not like. then there are the foods that one book says are fine while another book or another website says is not.

for example apples. apples are supposed to be good for you. raw apples. yet i found a something called gluco food picker who puts raw apples down in the 80% of food to eat and only in moderation. plain applesauce with no sugar is best. but try to find that in the grocery store.

there are a lot of recipes that allow potatoes yet that was the first food item that my doctor said to skip. who is right? the American Diabetes Association or my doctor whom i am paying over $400 to?

and the taste of sugar free and diet cran grape, which is, or was, my favorite juice. the taste is bland and almost bitter. i used to drink orange juice but i am even afraid of the low sugar stuff. is 10g of sugar in a glass of orange juice too much? how do i keep count of the grams in stuff that does not list grams of sugar, like my last raw apple?

and nuts. i was told plain peanuts and sunflower seeds were fine, good in fact, as a snack. then the other day i read a source that said these nuts were high in cholesterol. and get this, Pacific cod is best because it is lower in cholesterol than Atlantic cod. apparently the fish in the Atlantic swim through more cholesterol thermoclimes than the ones in the Pacific. so what if i start making sure that i buy only Pacific cod, but then i get the one Atlantic cod who decided to go on an adventure and swam through the Panama Canal and got caught? what if a whole school of Atlantic cod swim around the Horn to have a holiday in the Pacific and get caught and those are the ones i get?

you could go on this way with: what if the handful of fish they caught and tested to determine that Atlantic cod are higher in cholesterol were really Pacific cod on vacation, and really it is the reverse that is true?

i think i am losing my mind. i need the voice of reason. i need that class.

what i need is my husband back. he would have laughed at me, then hugged me and we would have figured all this out. and i wouldn't be alone out here without him.